Let’s start with how I came to read this book. I was part of a fabulous book subscription, which I recently cancelled because I was so far behind on my reading that it was starting to stress me out. The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins was the last book I received, though I still have many others from the subscription unread. I had heard of it on TikTok, and with such mixed reviews, I was curious: why were some people praising it beyond belief while others were saying “absolutely not”?

During the school holidays, I managed to read five books that had been sitting on my bedside table — incredibly rare for a single mum! I love the Christmas break: 5–6 weeks without after-school activities, weekend sports, or morning rushes, and plenty of time to sit and cuddle a child with a book in hand. The Let Them Theory was the last book I picked up during that period, and now, at the end of February, I’ve finally finished it. I can honestly see both sides of the argument.

For the first half of the book, while the author shared some wonderful examples of when to apply The Let Them Theory, I found myself reflecting as a survivor of domestic violence. My experience began in my late teen years, continued throughout more than a decade in that relationship, and its impact lingered for another 15 years after the relationship ended. Honestly, this book came about 30 years too late for me. That said, whenever I read a business or self-help book, I end up sticking post-its all through it to mark ideas that resonate. In the second half of The Let Them Theory, my post-its really started to multiply.

For someone who hasn’t been through what I have, the first half would likely be very useful. For me, it mostly reinforced lessons I had already learned the hard way. That’s not a criticism — it’s just a reflection of my experience and timing.

It was in the second half that the practical strategies really stood out, particularly the ABC framework:

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  A — Apologise and Ask: Use open-ended questions to help someone reflect on the gap between their behaviour and what you hope for.
  
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  B — Back Off and Observe: Give them space to come to the conclusion themselves.
  
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  C — Celebrate: Acknowledge when they take action in the way you wanted.
  

It’s worth noting that while Mel Robbins herself isn’t necessarily a trained psychologist, she references friends and colleagues who are, and incorporates their insights throughout the book. That doesn’t erase the need for careful application — especially in relationships with power imbalances — but it does show that she sought professional perspectives rather than presenting the ideas entirely in isolation.

The author also outlines steps D and E, which come into play six months after ABC if the behaviour hasn’t changed:

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  D — Decide: Consider whether the behaviour is a deal breaker.
  
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  E — End: Either end your “bitching” about it or end the relationship.
  

The intent is clear: to give space, set boundaries, and protect your own time and energy. In equal, healthy relationships, this can be constructive. For me, reading it as a survivor reinforced how careful you must be with timing, power, and context — what works as a healthy boundary in one situation could feel manipulative or unsafe in another.

Interestingly, I realised that the ABCDE framework can also be applied to myself. I can Apologise and Ask myself questions, Back Off and Observe my behaviour, and Celebrate my own progress. Then, using Decide, I can evaluate whether a new habit is a deal breaker — for example, giving up caffeine to sleep better — and with End, I can either stop “bitching” about it or fully commit to the change. (For the record I switched to decaf about 3 years ago and some mornings I think I am an absolute idiot, but for the most part I do sleep better.)

Beyond habits, Robbins also offers some thoughtful recommendations for dealing with heartbreak. Even though I’m not dating, these strategies can apply to heartbreak in friendships or even challenges like giving up chocolate. It reminded me that the principles of reflection, patience, and celebrating small wins aren’t just for romantic relationships — they can guide all areas of personal growth.

Overall, The Let Them Theory offered a mix of insights and reminders. Some lessons came decades too late for me personally, but that doesn’t diminish the book’s value for others. It reinforced the importance of boundaries, reflection, and thoughtful communication, while also highlighting the role of context and power dynamics.

My takeaway: frameworks like ABCDE can be powerful tools in healthy relationships, workplaces, or parenting situations — but they are not one-size-fits-all. Your own experiences, history, and the dynamics at play matter. For survivors of coercive or abusive relationships, it’s especially important to engage with these strategies carefully and mindfully.

For me personally, finishing this book reaffirmed something I’ve been learning in life: it’s okay to honour your truth, even when it doesn’t fit neatly into someone else’s narrative. And that, in itself, is a powerful lesson.